I don’t wish for a d, I do wish for slippers.

“It’s cold at night, I have ducted air conditioning, but I don’t use it. I just paid $10 000 for the top of the line model to have something to look at.”

Stupid people make me $$. Best to focus on this aspect, rather than sentiments such as “You’re so dumb that my brain just twisted itself into the foetal position and defecated somewhere in the space where my hope and dreams used to be”.

Accentuate the positive…

– The trees at work are starting to come back to life. Spring is almost here! Of course come October it’s right back to cool weather… Euro style (it has more froth, better shoes and wears a beret).

– The Fuzzies are sitting next to me.

– Someone called me pretty today.

– I think I might have food poisoning. Diet aids rock.

– There’s a twitch in my right arm. I’m hoping that it’s building muscle tone.

– I’m going on a hair date tomorrow.

– Crumpets love me. I find them too carb heavy.

– I have a new ring tone and it’s not from J*****r.

I hope you’ve had at least a mediocre day too.
Sincerely sleep deprived,

Tac tack tacky

To distract me from my own impatience:

Hi, my name is: Luka. I live on the second floor.

But you can call me: Agnes

Never in my life have I: known as much as I think I know now.

The one person who can drive me nuts is: I’m quite capable of doing that on my own thank you very much.

My high school is: still there.

When I’m nervous: I either talk too much and make terrible jokes, or I don’t speak at all… Generally I’ll drink gin while performing either rendition of Agnes being nervous.

The last song I listened to was: ‘Queen Bitch’ – Seu Jorge

If I were to get married right now it would be to: myself. How 90s.

I’m quite happy with my relationship as I define it with the other person in it. I do not need to tell the world that I am in love to feel it or wear a ring to keep a commitment. The rings, the dress, the wedding ceremony and reception, the mediocre meal and music to follow, the cheesy photography and crass garter toss do not make a relationship.

Perhaps one day I will marry. However it will certainly not be an action to appease, to conform, to engage in an expensive pursuit for attention or to ‘fix’ a relationship. I would consider marrying for a Green Card.

My hair is: mediocre at best. I wish I had more… air in my hair.

When I was 4: I broke my jaw while dancing. Never. Again.

Last Christmas: I gave you my heart, and you gave me slippers and a d****.

I should be: so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky.

When I look down I see: all the little people. Get out of my way, ants.

The happiest recent event was: lovely. Thank you for asking.

By this time next year: it will be 12:28PM, Monday the 17th August, 2009.

My current gripe is: When did this quiz turn into M******?

I have a hard time understanding: shallow, mindless people.

There’s these girls: who are complete idiots and talk about silly things while generally having fun.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: my date.

I want to buy: a ticket from Paris to Milan.

Where do you plan to visit:

Today: The beach.

At some point during the week that is to be: Friends. The people I know, not the show. Ugh.

In October: Cardiff, Sydney, Singapore, Paris, Milan, Pisa, Berlin, Munich. I wanted to go to Siberia. Drat.

If you spent the night at my house: I’d spend the night at yours.

The world could do without: >> Do not start me.

Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: A book on taming men.

Most recent thing someone else bought me: Dinner.

My middle name is: Jayne.

In the morning I: Wake up, shower, skip breakfast and then do my hair/paint my face a slightly less ghastly version of itself while listening to music with motivational messages such as: ‘Survivalism’, ‘Hand that Feeds’, ‘1 000 000’ – NIN, ‘Fashion’, and ‘Ashes to Ashes’ – David Package Bowie, miscellaneous other songs.

Last night I was: watching films, enduring nightmares.

There’s this guy I know who: I like love and stuff.

If I was an animal I’d be a: lot like Oscar. Poor kitty.

A better name for me would be: ****** Jayne *****.

Today I am: enjoying a Sunday which so far, is living up to its name.

Tonight I am: doing something exciting.

Tomorrow I am: saving the world, one call at a time.

My birthday is: going to be fun, I’m turning twenty one.

China Vs. Reality: Round 2. FIGHT!


There are two things that annoy me about this article:

1) China’s misrepresentation of minority groups, “ugly” children and fireworks. Computer enhanced fireworks – Not so offensive. Imposter minority children – Crossing a line. Not allowing a talented child to sing based on judgement of her beauty – Crossing a line.

The ugly truth of China’s image insecurity and treatment of minority groups strikes a major chord. Actually, it tries for a chord and instead bashes the keys to elicit a noise similar to nails down a chalkboard.

2) The appalling standard of writing, unfortunately not a minority, presented in ‘respectable’ Australian media. Year 10 Dead Beat English students produce higher quality work than this.

Take a few ‘facts’ and linking words, add a splash of sensationalism and Woollahra! You’ve got a story.

Getting back to issue #1 and the use of children to portray something they are not… Australia committed a similar faux pas during the Sydney 2000 Olympics closing ceremony, which I feel was under reported. Nikki Webster is in fact not Kylie Minogue as a child.

I really want Chinese food, so may have to shift the boycott to pies with sauce.


23.07.2008 – Soapbox Sessions #1.

I would love to sneak a bottle of Passion Pop into the extensive wine collection of two discerning, much respected experts. Not to be vindictive… Just to know that they will be unpleasantly surprised at any moment.

I was thinking about the song Discipline [Not that I was craving any… It’s just a good song] by Nine Inch Nails during a particularly frustrating fragment of time. It got me thinking about an image on nin.com of a Trent Reznor doll [Kind of like Hard Core Ken]. In turn, this image resulted in thinking about Trent Reznor as a blow up doll with full on rouged cheeks, wide eyes and wider mouth. The moral to this anecdote: If there’s somethin’ strange in your neighbourhood… or you’re feelin’ a myspace outburst coming on… or you’ve just lost your “g”s; imagine the people in your vicinity as blow up dolls and your worries will fade away. Try it.

DISCLAIMER: I am not condoning, or in any way responsible for, the “use” of said “reconceptualised” individuals.

Transient Tourettes is paradoxically therapeutic.

It frustrates me that I cannot ask a Crumpet which bank they are customers of without feeling like an advertisement or smelling toast. The commercials have transcended and are now embedded in my own private Idaho. Get out!

I would like to take this moment to assert that I purchased eyeliner well before signing up to this particular web address.


25.07.2008 – Twittrix.

a dear friend of mine will not join myspace for fear of fun. I however have joined T…

What i don’t understand today: pheromones are, amongst other intents and purposes, often useful for communicating with fellow humans. sometimes pheromones are useful in persuading one that public transport should be avoided in summer. often times the purpose is to attract. given our custom of showering to remove offensive odours in order to find a balance between phairly attractive and pheromoronic to attract a mate or play date in a competitive environment, why is it then that some (often males) all use the same artificial scents to keep their sexy up? in high school, all the guys smell like lynx. they then move onto joop! [i must confess that in the times of my misspent youth, i was partial to joop!… until my brother jumped on the bandwagon and forevermore joop! will be a nasal reminder that my postcode is not 2306 or 2325]. why would you want your significant (forever or for-now) other to think of your friend when they’re kissing your neck? scents are sensual, i cannot stress enough the importance of having your own scent sense of self. buy rexona or something just don’t buy the same cologne/perfume.

I wonder if jay leno dyes the blackish patch of his widow’s peak in a failed attempt to take the focus away from his chin. do you think this method could work for me?

There is never a good reason to drink tomato sauce.

There’s a hidden message amongst this rambling.

Everyone should go join. now. agnesstone

love Rollercoaster (as covered by rhcp) is a fun song to listen to on a gloomy Friday night.

so is it illegal to mention other social networking websites on m*****e, or have i avoided uppercase all this time for no reason? fine. the gloves are off and uppercase incorporated is starting a COME BACK TOUR.


28.07.2008 – 64.

Rainy days need sunny thoughts.

In sixty four days I will be boarding a Boeing for a 21 hour flight to Paris.

Now that makes for pleasant dreams.

I’ll send you a postcard.


31.07.2008 – Happy Thursday!

What a beautiful day! Even better for mine truly, as I have a roster day off.

Just a quick note to wish you a happy day. May it be filled with sunshine and smiles.

I’m off to meet some favourite lovelies for CBFPC.


31.07.2008 – …No jobs… – Goodbye, Starbucks.

With the two local Starbucks, amongst the other 59, closing it is evident a chain famed for their clustering strategy has now been cluster-f**ked.

*Ba Doomp Boomp Ching*

P.S. I do hope that the ex-staff find employment quickly. I also hope that this turn of events results in a shift back to independent cafes. Now if only Gloria Jeans [Hillsong Affiliates] and McCafe [Need I say more?] would back off…

P.P.S. Major cool points to Devo for successfully taking on McDonalds. Yes, they whipped it, whipped it good.

P.P.P.S. Cool points are also awarded to The Daily Show/Jon Stewart for reference to Bowie.

P.P.P.P.S. Cool points also go to J and K for joining me for CBFPC. Points deducted from A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Zed for standing me up.


05.08.2008 – Soapbox Sessions #2.


>>> RING RING <<< “Hi. My name is Battery Hen, thank you for calling CrapCorp. How may I assist?” >> BLAH BLAH BLAH << “Is there anything else I can help with today? Ok, then. Cheers.” When did this phone call change into something more comfortable? When did it become a liquid and more interesting representation of interaction between two mouths? ‘Cheers’ is a sacred word, reserved for the sharing of fine wine, passable vodka and last resort cough medicine. The expression ‘Cheer up’ harks back to the historic sharing of alcohol with a friend to relieve stress, avoid reality and destroy the last remnants of one’s liver. ‘Cheers’ is a reminder of this tradition. Why waste it on a meaningless phone call? It’s just too hard to swallow. Ladies and gents, if you can’t drink it, saying Cheers at the end of the interaction will certainly lead to everyone knowing your name… but they won’t be glad you came. * Based on actual events. Names have been changed to protect the identity of the morons involved.

One last thing before I quit…

I HATE HATE HATE the word HATE. I despise the word ‘HUNK’.

I made two old ladies on the bus smile today, or so they say. One said I looked like I’d walked straight out of the 40s. The other said I look close to 40 [Comic embellishment for those amongst us with slow wit]. Possibly one of the sweetest conversations I’ve had with strangers for quite some time.

Happy Weekend Eve.



#%^$! Boo! Hiss!

I’m not going to go into the details of it, you can read all about it in the news.

I’m so glad to be living in Australia right now.

In protest of well covered antics, I am officially boycotting the Olympics and Chinese food for at least a week.

50 000 cool points deducted from China.

Sincerely swigging a XXXX,
Agnes J.

Chain quiz

Transmitted by Rwn of www.pwnrwn.com

It’s like a chain letter, only not requiring the ever so expensive and redundant stamps and the rather outdated envelopes.

Copy this template into your own blog, and complete. That’s an order.

1. What was the last film you saw that you hated, and why?
I’m easily amused and enjoy even the shittiest of films as it allows me to switch from one hobby [viewing a film] to another [mocking]. I do however resent my sister for subjecting me to Crossroads – Yes. It’s Britney, bitches.

2. Would you rather be able to fly, or to walk through walls?
I’d prefer to walk through walls. I’m too scared of heights to fly. Also, the fact that I am an adamant skirt wearer may cause me some issues.

3. What’s your current favourite song and would I like it?
No current favourite. I have become disenchanted with my current music collection and hereby request suggestions from those of taste. I don’t mind ‘Paris is Burning’ by Ladyhawke… It makes me dream of October.

4. Do you have a question for me? No limits.
What’s the frequency?

5. What website do you visit often for entertainment?
Twitter, the pages my friends occasionally update [HINT!], girly websites [Not pr0n].

Questions from Rwn:

– Who started this quiz?
An evil genius. Probably Bowie.

– How long has it been traveling the intarwebs?
For all eternity.

– Is there life on the surface of the sun?
I don’t know. Ask Major Tom.