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E! True Hollywood Story:

Agnes Stone

NARRATOR:

The love child of Patsy Stone, Mick Jagger, and David Bowie; Agnes Stone is a foiled fragment of your imagination.

After a short stint as His Holiness the Pope, and the ‘inner woman’ of a poet, Agnes Stone became the nobody she is today.

Tonight, we uncover what’s underneath the tin foil hat.

This is the story of “Agnes Stone”, the E! True Hollywood Story.

NARRATOR:

Agnes Stone has spent a great deal of her love life parading as a beard, a role that she says, came naturally.

AGNES STONE:

As a child, I suppose my greatest fashion idol was Elton John. The photos from my first Christmas show me rocking out, wearing a poor quality toupee and over-sized sunglasses with pink lenses. Julian Clary was as familiar to me as Jemima from Play School. I thought Dame Edna was my great grandmother and my first keyboard played ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go, Go’. Boy George taught me the spiritual lesson of Karma… It was my destiny. I wanted to be a fairy so that I could wave my magic wand and make everyone happy. I suppose, as I got older, these aspects of my past stayed with me, and allowed me to take on the role quite easily. I guess it was a bit like method acting, only I didn’t get paid to do it.

I don’t regret any of the choices I’ve made. I’m in a good place now. Sure, a lot of people still suggest therapy, but my cat says that I’ve found my centre and you know, I think he’s on the money. He really is. He’s on the $5 note.

NARRATOR:

No longer the metaphorical beard, Agnes is in a positive relationship.

Agnes attributes her success in life to her spirituality.

AGNES STONE:

Look, to be honest, I have made some incredibly poor choices. I’ve accepted that. There are times when my behaviour is deplorable. I’ve accepted that, and I’m working with it. My faith in those I will refer to as… ‘spirits’, has often times been the only thing to keep me going. We don’t all have a box of corn flakes within reaching distance, or a claque on call to bestow token encouragement upon us.

My religion is similar in some ways to Scientology, in that you have to buy into it and it can be quite costly. The less you spend, the more pain you’ll feel the next day. The more money you spend, the more ‘enlightenment’ you receive. I like to maintain my stock.

NARRATOR:

A problem shared, is a bottle halved.

Agnes Stone has a unique approach to friendship.

AGNES STONE:

I’m not interested in phony friendships. I’m not going to add you to Facebook if I’ve only met you once and I’m not going to poach people from the ‘Friend Lists’ of my actual friends. I’m not going to add you just because you’re a friend of a friend, or I’ve heard your name somewhere, or I’m bored and you make people add you as a ‘Friend’ before you let them stalk you, or you’re the neighbour of a goat I shared a Soggy Gin with at that paddock party that time. Friendship is important to me. I take it very seriously. There’s commitment involved. There’s care. It’s not something to be taken lightly. Friendships need to be maintained. They’re like pot plants – If you don’t water them, they die. I’m an expert on this – I kill pot plants all the time. I’m not saying that I’m a killer. I never intentionally murder the things. I’m not into shower curtains or DIY taxidermy. It just happens. But look, my point is that if you don’t spend time with your friends, if you don’t make an effort, then you lose your friends. And you need friends. They’re important. I’m not going to add ten thousand people to Facebook – If I did that then I would contact my real friends even less than I do now, and let’s face it, I already feel like I should send them a postcard from the brink. So no, to answer your question, I won’t add you to Facebook.

NARRATOR:

After this commercial break, we will conclude Part 1 of the story of “Agnes Stone”, the E! True Hollywood Story.

NARRATOR:

That concludes Part 1 of the story of “Agnes Stone”, the E! True Hollywood Story.

Thanks for joining us for another look into the private lives of nobodies.

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