Notes on Votes

As much as I would like to vote myself into office, the thought of politics and all that beige makes me anxious.

This election I am shaking off any impulse to vote with blind party loyalty or invocation of the donkey. Instead I will vote for the party which best reflects the route I feel Australia should take over the next few years. But getting through the spin seems an impossible task! Can I even be bothered? Yes.

Despite the typos and sensationalism, the hacks over at have provided something remotely helpful this election. Vote-a-matic 2.0 will assist you in determining which party best represents your views on key issues.

Get Up! know that we’re sick of reading and hearing about the election, so they produced this lovely little graphic to sum it up for us. Go to the party websites for more information, and to come to your own conclusions.

If you’re wanting to go all the way and become a Level 3000 Voter, head to Below the Line and customise your own voting card. It might not match your shoes, but it will co-ordinate with your point of view.

Many people complain about the time it takes to cast their vote. They say it takes up quality time out of their well earned weekend, and that their vote doesn’t matter anyway. Your vote will not matter if you draw genitalia on it. Your vote will not matter if you lodge a blank piece of paper. If you follow the simple instructions, and work out who you want to guide and represent our nation; it’s about as easy as something so important can get.

Sure, it takes time and skill to vote – Avoiding the propaganda thrust at you on arrival, queuing, waiting for the official to find and highlight your name in the special edition of the yellow pages, finally getting to the booth only to find that the bogan occupant before you had stolen the pen. But. Yes, full stop. But. At least we have a choice. At least we are given the right to vote. At least we aren’t living in a dictatorship. At least we aren’t going to be shot for making our own minds up.

If you really can’t be bothered learning a little about what might be in store for us depending on the outcome of this election, then you may consider voting for the party with the leader of least embarrassment.

Julia Gillard has come under fire for many things. “Why isn’t she in the kitchen?” ask some concerned citizens. We all know that Kevin Rudd was flicked with Julia’s hand. Whether or not she was in control of it at the time of the incident is another matter entirely. Is she trustworthy? OOOOO! Who knows? One positive I can see in the whole debacle is that at least the party took action when it seemed that their leader had lost his way. Or maybe they just know how to shoot a scapegoat… Julia is also dealing with being labeled a ‘ranga’ and ‘Fanta pants’. She feels the pain of discrimination. Her ear lobes are allegedly “too big” (All the better to hear you with?). Is this the person you want to represent you? Let’s move forward.

Tony Abbott. Perhaps the less said, the better on this one. If you or I, dear void of nothingness, happened to walk around in public wearing what can only be described as all-purpose-underpants, we would be arrested. Some say Tony Abbott has become a sex symbol throughout his campaign. If that man is a symbol of sex, then sign me up for celibacy. Some women think Tony is a sweetheart. The only effect he has on me is similar to the one which follows the ingestion of vast amounts of artificial sweetener. It’s not pretty. Let’s stand up Australia. Stand up for real action pants! If that was Tony’s election promise, maybe I’d vote for him.

Then there’s Bob Brown of The Greens. Yes, let’s – for a moment – celebrate the irony of his surname being the wrong colour. This guy is so willing to stand up for what he thinks is ‘right’ that he’s okay with getting shot at. Our political landscape is so dominated by the Labor and Liberal parties, that The Greens are often forgotten about, or shrugged off as hippies. Amazingly enough, they actually make some good points.

Alternatively, if you’re of the spontaneous persuasion you can just decide on the day. I have already been privy to the literature that the Christian Democrats Party (I know!) will be handing out on The Big Day. It makes for what can only be described as the opposite of compelling reading.

No matter which approach you take to determine how you will vote, I hope that the possible outcome is at the forefront of your mind. A vote is reflective of the voter. So… Who said they were going to draw a giant penis on their ballot paper?